人妻少妇专区

A 人妻少妇专区 psychologist discusses how to find and foster love, including how to get the most out of online dating.

Psychologist knows a thing or two about romance. For nearly five decades, the Dean鈥檚 Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at the 人妻少妇专区 has been studying , , and . A leading social psychologist, he was instrumental in launching the field of relationship science.

With his extensive knowledge鈥攂ased on 45 years of research鈥攖he coauthor of the scholarly paper shares his science-backed advice on how to find鈥攁nd keep鈥攍ove.

Online dating versus traditional dating: which is better?

Dating apps or sites are not necessarily better equipped at introducing you to higher-quality candidates than meeting someone in public or through your social circles, says Reis. But they do give you a lot more options. Where else would you be able to meet two or three dozen people a week?

By now, the apps have largely given up on formulating algorithms that claim to match perfect couples. Instead, they offer dating options based on factors such as location, interests, life goals, and more, expanding the 鈥渇ield of eligibles,鈥� as Reis calls it.

鈥淚f I were single, I would definitely be using those sites,鈥� he says.

According to a by the Pew Research Center, online dating is much more common among younger generations, with 53 percent of adults under 30 saying they have used dating sites or apps. One in five adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner on a dating site or app, as do about a quarter of partnered lesbian, gay, or bisexual adults.

Are marriages that result from online dating any better than other marriages? Reis doubts it, since studies in . The bigger issue, according to him, is that the research isn鈥檛 properly designed to answer this question in the first place. In addition, emerging and changing technologies for dating鈥攙irtual reality dating, for example鈥攁re outpacing research on the subject.

Reis鈥檚 main takeaway in the current age of digital dating? 鈥淵ou have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince,鈥� he says. 鈥淎nd that鈥檚 fine.鈥�

Getting the most out of online dating sites and apps

First, take some of the information in online profiles with a grain of salt, says Reis, who has studied the . 鈥淲omen, on average, claim to be a few years younger, and men say they鈥檙e a few inches taller,鈥� he says, but these are just averages鈥攖hey don鈥檛 mean that everyone is dissembling.

That aside鈥攄on鈥檛 reject candidates out of hand just because they don鈥檛 seem to share your interests, Reis and coauthors write in their . Instead, weed out only those who are clear no鈥檚 from the get-go鈥攖hose who live thousands of miles away, or simply live on the wrong side of your core values. Then, connect with as many possible partners and go on as many dates as you can, advises Reis. Make some semi-random choices and see where that takes you. Don鈥檛 make assumptions about the person simply based on what they claim in their online profile; rather, pick up the phone and find out what they鈥檙e like firsthand.

Keep in mind, too, that similarities matter to an extent but are far from a guarantee for happy relationships. In fact, connecting with someone who has different interests from your own can be a way of growing鈥攕omething that psychologists explain via the . Instead of looking for a person who likes baseball as much as you do, try being open to something new. 鈥淚f somebody loves ballet, and you don’t know much about ballet and have never tried going to a performance, that could turn out to be really interesting,鈥� offers Reis.

But the biggest mistake in online dating? Putting too much emphasis on appearances.

Of course, 鈥攖hat鈥檚 true whether meeting online or in person. But most people use looks as the main criterion when making choices online about whom they want to get to know better, thereby weeding out possible good matches by mistake.

The other thing people get wrong, according to Reis, is processing the information about another person in a superficial way, without really giving much thought to what the other might be like and might be interested in.

In short: slow down when swiping. Take time to read, think, feel.

The myths (and realities) of romantic chemistry

鈥淩omantic chemistry is certainly elusive,鈥� says Reis, who recently on interpersonal chemistry. 鈥淏ut it鈥檚 an exaggeration to claim it鈥檚 either there or not, based on a few minutes of interaction.鈥�

Instead, chemistry is about forging a connection, a feeling of being on the same wavelength with another person. If someone opens up about what they find interesting and what鈥檚 important to them鈥攁nd if the potential partner responds in a way that shows true listening鈥攖hen a back-and-forth ensues.

鈥淭he feeling that the other person just 鈥榞ets us鈥� is really emerging chemistry,鈥� says Reis. That feeling, by the way, can be similar to what happens at the start of new (non-romantic) friendships.

More often than not, romantic chemistry emerges relatively quickly鈥攁lthough not necessarily instantly. Yet plenty of people go on first dates after connecting on a dating app, only to decide hastily that 鈥渨e have no chemistry.鈥� While there鈥檚 no magic number of minimum hours or dates to aim for, Reis recommends avoiding snap judgments.

Occasionally, chemistry between two people emerges much later. Some relationships can and do change, with a sense of connection turning a friendship into a romance. 鈥淏e on the lookout, but don鈥檛 expect magic to arrive out of thin air,鈥� says Reis.

Avoiding today鈥檚 鈥榮uffocation model鈥� of American relationships

Keep your expectations grounded. Perfection is the enemy of good. If you want a partner for life, pay less attention to looks and don鈥檛 expect the impossible, advises Reis.

In the 1950s, he says, people frequently found their partner in their own neighborhood, or in their religious or social groups. But in today鈥檚 digitally connected world, people tend to have higher expectations for potential partners. 鈥淚t鈥檚 been called the by researchers, in that we want the other person to be our sexual partners, our best friends, our confidants, our coparents, and our financial partners. We want them to be everything to us. And that鈥檚 an awfully high expectation for us humans to live up to.鈥�

During one of Reis鈥檚 studies, a participant told him that they knew exactly what they wanted their future partner to be. And if the participant couldn鈥檛 find someone who was 100 percent like that, they鈥檇 rather be single.

In some ways, online dating has contributed to the false idea of finding a perfect match by serving up a seemingly endless supply of options. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think that 100 percent person exists for anybody,鈥� Reis says. 鈥淚f you are holding out for perfection, you may very well find yourself priced out of the market.鈥�

Meanwhile, dating during the pandemic has created additional challenges. Seven in ten Americans, who were single and looking for a partner, said their dating lives weren鈥檛 going well, according to a 2022 .

Small tweaks for big improvements to romantic relationships

You鈥檝e found your partner for life (or, at least, for now). How do you make sure mutual love endures? What makes couples stay together鈥攆or months, years, decades, or forever鈥攁nd remain happy and fulfilled? Plenty has been written on the topic in books, magazines, blogs, and other outlets. But what does the research say?

One of the critical factors, according to Reis, is the ability to resolve disagreements in a cooperative and supportive way without creating further hurts. It鈥檚 鈥渁 huge one鈥� that鈥檚 been shown in just about every study that鈥檚 been done on the topic.

Another important strategy is to share with your partner. Reis has studied both the intrapersonal and 鈥攖hat is, the advantages for both the 鈥渟harer鈥� and the partner鈥攐f communicating positive experiences and letting your partner know that you are excited for them. So, why does this strategy work? Because we all like when good things happen to us鈥攕uch as getting a promotion at work, passing a big test, setting a personal best in bowling or at a 5K race鈥攁nd we want to share that experience with our partners.

In a , Reis found that when people talked about personal positive events with others, they felt even happier, beyond simply the uplifting effect of the event itself. And when a partner responded enthusiastically to the sharing of the other鈥檚 good news, the relationship fared better with increased well-being for both partners, greater intimacy, and higher daily marital satisfaction.

that another seemingly trivial, yet nonetheless effective, way of building connections with a partner is having the 鈥渉ow was your day鈥� conversation, where partners listen to one another, ask questions, allow for elaboration, and show empathy or enthusiasm.

鈥淭he point is that you鈥檙e really listening to your partner, that you鈥檙e really engaging,鈥� says Reis. 鈥淚t鈥檚 not so much about the issue of the conversation as it is about the engagement, the sense of making time for each other, and connecting in those moments.鈥�

When people first start dating, connecting happens naturally and frequently. As time goes on鈥攁nd especially once couples are married or have been living together for a while鈥攊t鈥檚 easy to lose that attentiveness in the daily humdrum of work, household responsibilities鈥攁nd for some鈥攖he raising of children. But it鈥檚 these little things that make a big difference, says Reis, and that contribute to by your partner.

The importance of shared hobbies

While spouses (or partners) don鈥檛 have to be clones of each other or do everything together, they need to be on the same page about where they want their lives to go. Part of that means enjoying some degree of shared recreation. 鈥淚f you鈥檙e always doing things separately, you鈥檙e not building connections,鈥� Reis points out.

罢丑别谤别鈥檚 on so-called 鈥渘ovel鈥� and 鈥渁rousing activities,鈥� which has shown that couples do well when they are taking up a new hobby together. It typically should be something that鈥檚 a bit more active, says Reis, like learning to ski, taking cooking lessons, or trying dance classes together鈥攕omething that introduces an element of novelty for both participants.

Particularly in this COVID era, many couples feel their lives have become stagnant. 鈥淭he same thing every night: they have dinner and then they watch Netflix. That can get awfully tiresome,鈥� says Reis.

Doing new things together that are fun and interesting can help keep a marriage or a partnership vital. 鈥淓ven something as mundane as going to the movies together and then talking about it,鈥� says Reis, pointing to research by his Rochester colleague , which shows that couples who watched romantic comedies together and talked about them afterward reduced their risk of divorce.

The evolving nature鈥攁nd science鈥攐f love

Even as social psychologists and others continue to learn more about the intricacies of human love and intimacy, it鈥檚 important to remember that research in this area is ongoing鈥攁nd increasingly reflective of changing norms and practices, from virtual reality dating to ethical non-monogamy.

Reis notes that much of the literature on relationship research to date is predominantly based on 鈥�,鈥� participants who belong to groups that are western, educated, industrialized, rich, and democratic. But, he says, more work is being done with married same-sex couples鈥攁nd so far, the findings among same-sex couples seem, with a few exceptions, very much similar to those of mixed-sex couples.

The one thing couples can do right now to improve their relationship

It depends, of course, on the strengths and weaknesses of each particular relationship. But if he had to pick one thing, Reis says, it would be this one: 鈥淢ake it clear that your relationship is one of your highest priorities. And really act on that. Make connecting in the relationship not the thing you do after everything else is done.鈥�

How do you signal that importance? Set aside time for a regular date night, for example. Really talk and listen to each other, perhaps while doing a chore together鈥攕uch as washing the nightly dishes or walking the dog. Send your partner an affectionate text during the day to let them know they are on your mind. And don鈥檛 forget the importance of physical affection.

Beware that problems have a tendency to swamp us, he cautions. 鈥淭he difficulties, the stresses, the disagreements, all tend to dominate our attention. That鈥檚 what we humans do鈥攚e pay attention to what鈥檚 going wrong,鈥� says Reis. That negative bias can lead people to forget what was fun about their relationship in the first place.

鈥淏uilding in those little positive moments is an easy way of reminding oneself and one鈥檚 partner that there鈥檚 something good here,鈥� says Reis.

Read more